18: Abe Shreve

Chris Suarez: [00:00:00] [00:00:00] Welcome back to the experience growth podcast, focused on the six pillars of living and experiential life, our career, our relationships, our personal growth, our health, our wealth, and our spirituality. A few weeks back, I had the opportunity to speak to some of real estates, most successful business owners about each one of these pillars.

They were hand selected to talk about a pillar that they'd demonstrate so well in their business and in their personal life. Today. I want to share  my conversation with Abe Shreve around personal growth.

   Abe, you are , the CEO of maps, business coaching and the reason why that is relevant Abe is that it isn't real estate, like our conversations, that experience Greg yarn, mineral estate.

So they tend to go down that path, but the conversations you have transcended real estate, if you're outside of the real estate world.  For us today, maybe tell people a little bit about who you are and then really want to get you to define what personal growth is  

Abe Shreve: [00:01:13] Chris, thank you. And what an amazing group of folks that you have here today? The benefit of being a coach is that I know what I know because I get to work with these people.  You have several people here today that I've been blessed to be in a coaching relationship with.

And coaching is different than coaching is different than being the authority, because it's a partnership in someone else's journey. And I don't know that you and I have the, I don't know, what's possible for us to partner in another journey and not be on one, not be on a journey ourselves.

In other words, there's no arrival point. I really feel that there's no place where I now know. And you don't know, and I'll tell you that's to me, that's the beautiful part of coaching is even here at maps business. We say our mission is we create sacred partnerships that require the best in us to bring out the best in them.

In other words, effective coaching means we're personally growing requires the best of us in life and it is clunky and it is messy. And Chris, I feel like a newborn giraffe half the time. And I like to share that because I think a lot of times, especially in this world of social media, We can look at others and feel like they just have it.

So worked out and I love this group you have because the people that are here, don't shy away from sharing the challenges and the vulnerabilities, which I think is important because as a coach, I've learned that behind the curtain, everyone has a struggle and I'm no different than that. No different at all.

And so for me, personal growth is I want to say this in a way that it doesn't get lost as a fancy catchphrase. But it's something that we can all identify with. So to me, personal growth is an unwillingness to settle into life. It's an unwillingness, even a desire to not be a person that just settles into life.

I don't know. I don't think you and I will ever reach our max potential. And to me, that's the great gift of it is that there's always somewhere to grow. And I have motivators for that. I I have a, I have an amazing wife that will be married 25 years in just a few months and I have four children and I believe.

I believe kids learn what they can do in life, by watching what their parents do. And Theresa and I feel very strongly that we want to be the very best versions of ourselves because that's how you live a great life. And there are those watching that we've been given this beautiful stewardship over that we're going to model for, we're going to model that.

So that's personal. That's my reason for wanting to grow so much personally, I think. 

Chris Suarez: [00:03:45] I want to take two parts of that real quick. One for those of us with children, It seems to get easier, right? It seems to get easier in the sense that it gives us. It gives us constant motivation and accountability to make sure that we're growing.

Because if we're not, we'll get called out on the fact that we're not. But your definition of being unwilling to never settle into life I love that definition. And immediately, I want to ask your perspective on. And how do you prevent from being anxious? How do you prevent from constantly not feeling settled or do they live at odds with each other?

Abe Shreve: [00:04:21] So you're asking the exact right question and I'm going to, I am preparing to take a, I'm not going to hop off the ledge of the predominant the predominant verbiage in the world of self-improvement I'm going to run into a full Gaynor. And get away from it. Here it is. We know that our actions and our habits influence our thoughts and vice versa, but here's the real reason to live intentionally and to have goals.

And I've actually made some notes of things that are right along what you've said. Here's the real reason to have those things they serve as a reset in life. A reset. You and I are going to get off track all the time. And when you said it's easy, when you have kids, because you got to stay in front of them.

I actually [00:05:00] think the opposite. I think it's easy to say, Oh, the kids I was up late, I couldn't do this this morning because I have this. And because I have that, I mean, for kids in a world like today, when I was a kid, we used to grow up, we would leave and our parents would say, be back before dark. But it seems like every kid is on a different team and that's a whole other conversation.

We should have that sometime. That'd be fun, but I but I actually think it makes, there's never, it's never going to be easy. It's never going to be easy to say. I want to live my best life. However, Living the best life means I'm going to mess this up and I'm okay with that. And I'm going to have incremental improvements.

So when you said live anxious, we celebrate the failures in our family, as much as we do anything else. And I can give you an example of yesterday. I have an eight year old daughter, this, the sassy little thing that runs our little jerk water operation at home, her name's Aliyah. And she, we at our church, there's a specific congregation of seniors.

Older people. And most of them have had a spouse that's passed away. And we were asked with trees, would Aliyah come and sing a song? She's never saying publicly like this. And she went and sang this beautiful song. I cheated and recorded it. But right in the middle, she messed up and she went like this, Oh, over the microphone.

Oh. And then she kind of laughed a little and then just went on, the song was beautiful. I was so proud of the moment that she goofed it up. And then found herself and kept I was. So I was so emotional over it. That is the spirit that we want to take into our goals, into achieving it's.

We're going to lean into the heavy lifting of learning these things. And it's tough when I wrote some things down here, Chris, and one of the things that I wrote down was plan every day, a period of time for just heavy lifting. And can I explain that? Can I give you a personal example? So I'm pretty active physically.

And for 25 years of my adult life, I've been a rock climber and I've always had these big goals and I had to be in shape for them. But in 2018, they're in Northern California, there's a place called Yosemite and they have a big rock there called El Capitan. And. I've I had a goal ever since I first put a rope on my waist that I would one day climb El cap.

Most people take three to five days and I found my way to a great, my gift is not how well I climb. My gift is talking much better climbers than me into climbing with me. It's a gift. And I found my, I started climbing out cap and it's a vertical Ironman in so many ways. It's three times the height of the empire state building and it's.

And the last time I did, it was in November of 2018. And my wife was down in the meadow. We did an eight hours and 15 minutes. So it's all relative to some that's fast to some that slow, but to 99.9% of the climbing world, that's really fast. And I remember when I came down, I said to her, I don't, I'm not saying I'm done climbing.

She's never heard me talk like this. I'm not saying I'm done, but I'm not saying I'm not done. And I was done. I've actually was done. And so I found myself in this place over the last two years where I didn't have something, I didn't have a goal out there. And I actually had some lost identity, believe it or not, and kind of all of those things.

And I wanted to find something that would push me because I was settling into life. I was heavier than I've ever been. I fell out of shape. I remember about six months ago leaning over to do it, my shoes and I made a dad noise and just come to that realization that my love of Dr. Pepper has outpaced my fitness.

And so I started looking for a goal and I really haven't announced this. And I'm not saying this now because I'm making some big reveal. You won't hear me talk a lot about this, but. I believe all of us and what I wrote down as my number one pillar for personal growth is we all need something we're vulnerable at and new at where there's not a lot at stake.

And that's the important qualifier where there not a lot of at stake. We have so much in our lives where there's a lot at stake and let's have a place in our lives where we're new and vulnerable, where there's nothing at stake. And for me, I have two of those. One of those is I'm training for a physique competition.

Because I needed that big, scary goal and standing on a stage in just board shorts with nothing else on in front of people. I love horrifies me. It horrifies me. So every day in the gym I show up and I get ready when I said. Time, block time to do the heavy lifting for the first two and a half weeks.

Chris, every morning I would hold the list of what I'm supposed to eat and it didn't make sense. And it would take me 15 minutes just to get the scoops of stuff in the blender. And now I'm three weeks in and I, I understand it, but I remember that felt so heavy and so clunky. I just kept doing it. And a couple of times I didn't get the mixture.

Right. It doesn't matter. Because these, because tomorrow I'm going to have this same time block and I'm going to work on this again and I'll get a little better. And that's what I mean about time-blocking moments to [00:10:00] do the, have to be clunky and to do the heavy lifting and to do the learning. A great example for real estate is CRM.

You know, we have tendency in the real estate world to say, we need a better system, but. I don't want to learn that. I don't want to learn it, especially if you're the Rainmaker. I don't want to learn that. I just make it rain. I pay people to do that and we push it off and we don't know enough to even manage it.

So that thing that we don't know, and we're unwilling to stop and learn about holds us hostage in a lot of ways and taking some time in the day to sit down and just go through and learn a few functions and come back tomorrow in the same time block and be clunky again and learn a little bit more.

To me. When I look at personal growth, it is clunky. It's very, once you get that, it becomes very rewarding. You've seen evidence of that in the other people that talked, I know Dan very well. I'm inspired by Dan and anyone that's done an Ironman to me is amazing, but the way he's done it blows my mind.

But I can tell you. That there were many times it was just hard on him and he just got his first steps going and then it showed up.  And Sarah talking about her relationship with her husband and planning date night, Theresa and I are the same as anyone else where we get busy, we get running and we have to plan time to stop and.

And actually have date night and we, when we're sticking to that, we are better parents. I'm a better leader for my company. I'm better in every aspect. And so I would say, have something new in your life. This is the greatest kind of advice. Cause if you don't like it, you can just throw it out. It's worth everything you're paying for it.

Have something new in your life that makes you vulnerable and new, but there's nothing at stake. It's interesting enough to push you have, because that discipline will carry over to those things that have a lot at stake. And because they have a lot of stake, we have a tendency to get confused. I love that.

Chris Suarez: [00:11:46] A I think that last sentence, like many of us take on new right and vulnerable. And you're right. Especially right now in the world, everything is always at stake and it just adds this undue pressure. So it's the perfect response that you had written down before the question actually, but the perfect response to like, how do we not stay ultra anxious all the time.

If we're on this path of personal growth, I do have a question. That I want to ask you. And I don't want to forget, I've been wanting to ask you this question for a while. And it's based on my observation of what happens with those that are ultra committed to personal growth.

And I often times hear. I've heard people use their commitment to personal growth and they are on this journey and they are growing and unfortunately I'm using their quotes and unfortunately I've just, I own some people that are around me. I've outgrown my spouse. Like I really wish they wanted to grow like I do, but we're just in different places.

And to me, and again, this is, I can share this because I'm giving my opinion. Only to me. It's a out to come to me that's not right. Fair to me, that's an excuse that you grown in those. Those other people around you have not grown with you. So you tap out now my question to you and I've, I'm sure you've heard that too is how do we make sure that if we are on that journey of personal growth, that we're bringing people with us, or we're allowing them to be on their journey at different paces at different times, growing differently?

Like I just you are, you have worked with some of some people that have seen some of the most incredible growth that I've watched. How do you work with them on that? 

Abe Shreve: [00:13:22] How much time do we have we have three hours to talk about this? Well, what I will tell you is that early in my coaching career I would, if you think about what a coach does, it's these 30 minute. Just micro-focus  sections of time. Can you imagine? Talking to people like Kimber and Dan, like everybody, that's on this call. You Chris, you have these 30 minute moments and you're put in this position as a coach.

And many of us feel this way in the professional leadership roles that we have in our organization. We play this role. We're seen a certain way and we're on, we're always on. And I would go home and my wife would say to me, Oh, I just, I can't ever get ahead because of the kids and my head would explode.

And because I'm like, are you serious? Because don't say that, don't say can't like, I'd vomit all this crap on her. And you know, what's crazy, Chris, this is kind of wild. People pay me a lot of money to coach him. And my wife was not interested in my coaching. Can you, can you believe, can you even believe, can you believe that?

And by the way, if you're not reading the sarcasm, she shouldn't, I shouldn't go home and coach. And so I remember and I'm getting to the answer to your question. I remember saying to her honey, I want to explain to you, I want to be better at this. I want to come home your partner. And here's what happens at work.

I do these calls 30 minutes, 30 minutes, 30 minutes. I get all it feeds me and I get really intense. And I, this intense language is what my clients love me to bring to the call. But when I come home and you say to me, don't coach us here. I get, I feel inwardly. I feel this really defensive thing.

Is there, what could you say? That would signal me that I'm doing it. And she said, well, [00:15:00] what if I said, don't coach me? I'm like, no, it can't be that. We've got to design a phrase. Now I have a dear friend of mine. That's an expert in the relationship communication space named Matt Townsend. Maybe some of you have met Matt and Matt talks about you, preplan your fights.

And we love Matt. And so we recognize that. I recognize that I need something that causes, that signals me, but allows me to step into the right role. And so Theresa was the one that came up with it. Here's what she said. What if I asked you. Are you an executive mode? And that sounds good. Doesn't it?

Executive mode. We all want to be an executive mode. And I said, yeah, do that. So we taught the kids, sat them down.  I realized sometimes I come home in towns. I don't want to do that. And it was just within a day or so. I came home. She goes, honey, are you an executive mode? And it just hit, I hit me.

And I said, am I doing it? And she said, maybe a little, do you want to go for a run? And I said, yeah, and the kids, by the way, the kids took this strategy and put it into a club and beat me with it for the first year. Dad's an executive mode. The point that I want to make is we have to find a way to be the right person with the right people at the right time.

And I think sometimes in the world of high achievement, we view every relationship as if they're not running at a maximum 100, then I've outgrown them. They're no longer who I am, but not every relationship can run like that. And not every relationship should run like that. There are people in our lives that are, that played different roles in our journey that when we stopped the world, And see them eye to eye and meet them there and focus with them and talk about love and relationships and slow life down.

Then we come back to high-performance better. And so I would say, as it relates to family before someone says I've outgrown them, they're not learning based. I want to ask, are you being the best partner? Are you focused on their needs before your own? And if you are only then can you start to discuss, can you start to discuss.

You know what you could do as a couple, but man alive, if you're a great leader, then be a great leader in your relationship via coaching leader. Now, as it relates to, it's a little different, in my opinion, for friends. And this was one, the things I wrote down as number two, my number two pillar for personal growth.

Be intensely intentional about who you put around you. Now, I placed an incredibly high stake on friendship and did we got time for me to share one more personal thing? Yeah, what is, they're all personal, right? Any respect you guys had for me before it's probably flittering away, but I'm good with that because I'm growing.

I've always, I've been blessed with incredible friends in life. And I don't know if it's the combination of this virtual world or just, I enjoy my partners. I work with so much or what, but I've, I haven't had these friends around me. Oh. And part of it is rock climbing. I always had that. I always had this group where we'd meet and go climb rocks.

And now I don't do that. And so my wife has these dear friends. Isn't this, what you would, is this what you would want for anyone you care about when you want them to have dear friends? And, but I found myself I'm embarrassed to say this, Chris, but I found myself a little inwardly jealous and kind of with this.

Paradox of, I realized that I only want the best for her, but I want, why aren't I, her person? And I talked to her about it. We're good to talk about these things. And I just explained it to her colleagues want this for you. And I feel these feelings and she was really a great coach for me.

And what I realized is I actually have not been seeking meaningful friendship in my life. I've let it happen with people I'm working with. And I no longer have this nucleus of activity that brings me together with like-minded people. I actually needed to identify people that I want to spend more time with and find and engage them and go find a wave to put them in my life.

I've done that and I cannot express to you enough, how much it's enhanced my life experience. I am much more. I bring so much more to the table for the people I'm working with and to, to my wife, who's most important person in the world to me and to my kids. Emerson said Ralph Waldo Emerson said that he's he said, I reckon friendship to be the masterpiece of nature.

And to me, I play such a high value on friendship. Remember, we're talking about personal growth. I play such a high value on friendship that what I did so sounds so clunky is. I called up someone that we've always gotten, we've always gotten along well, we've always talked about doing stuff.  When we see each other, it's always warm, but I called him up and I said, I'm looking for a friend.

I think it might be you. We should probably do stuff. Cause as guys it'd be weird. If I said you want to get together and talk. But we'll talk as we do something. And anyway, now he meets me every morning and we work out and the workouts. Great. He's stronger than me and that's great too, but it's the talk it's the morning talks that have just centered me.

So let me just, I know we're coming to the end. Let me just run through these really fast. Number one, be vulnerable at something, being new at something where there's not a lot at stake. Be intensely intentional about who you put around you and seek meaningful friendship. Plan time every day for the clunky heavy [00:20:00] lifting.

We're not great at everything that doesn't mean we can't, we're not learning machines that we don't continually learn a process. Just plan time to be clunky, just to lean into the heavy lifting of being new. And we're having it be weird. Just two more. If I could, Chris, don't be in this group, you've got as a perfect example of this as you are as well.

Don't be great alone. Don't be great alone. You said it, Chris, you said sometimes those spontaneous touches mean more don't they? To all of us don't they mean more to all of us. When someone reaches out and says, Hey, you're on my mind. I saw this reminded me of you. I'm just grateful for you. So don't be great alone.

Don't pursue these things alone. And I think sometimes when we go to social media and we vomit all the amazing things we're doing, we get the fix. We're looking for. And maybe it's time to quiet that down a little and go to people and invest in those people individually. And then number five, realize that goals are stars by which we are guided.

They're not sticks, which with which we beat ourselves. That's not a quote by me that was said by a lady named Barbara B. Smith. And what I mean by that is clearly defined goals and habits guide us in our daily activities towards what we want most. And. They provide clear reset points for when we get off track.

And I don't care if you get off track every day, if you're clear on how to get back on track

Chris Suarez: [00:21:18] Ava, I appreciate you sharing on this topic of personal growth and how, if we aren't focused on that pillar, if we aren't growing, if we aren't getting more interesting each day, , if we're not developing South.

And we're not going to be able to develop others. And so we won't have those friendships to be able to live experientially with. And perhaps my favorite conversation came right at the beginning that if we're going to be a partner with someone. We better be on that journey with someone where the relationship is the journey as well. Growth is that journey. And I think as I internalize how to answer those that say gosh, I've got grown. It also means that they just chose not to take someone on the journey with them.

And I think that isn't the other person that then becomes on us as well. So love that. Thank you for sharing. I appreciate you greatly.